15 Things Every Beer League Player Wants

Beer League Hockey We’re all competitors and still want to win every game, but a little while ways down the road, after trading in the ‘competitive’ skates for their beer league counterparts, priorities begin to shift a bit.

1. The opponents’ average age to be the same or higher than your team’s.

Beer League Hockey Wants We worked all day, we don’t work out nearly as much and bluntly, we’re mostly out of game shape. We’re here for some time with the boys and aren’t looking to chase around a bunch of 20 year-olds home for summer break.

2. Wives and girlfriends to instinctively understand that no matter if game time is 7:00pm or 10:40pm, we’ll be at the rink until 1:00am.

Beer League Hockey WantsWe love you, we truly do, but yes this is in fact way more enjoyable than cuddling on the couch and watching the bachelor with you. Please don’t make us answer that question, because you wont like the response. Whether we won a nail-biter or lost by 20, there will be more beers waiting in the locker room than Oktoberfest and yes, we will be here until we finish them.

3. To not have the last game of the night.

Beer League Hockey Wants CostanzaRemember back when you didn’t care what time the games were because you could just sleep in until 11 AM anyway? Yeah, those days are long gone. You’ve been doing this long enough to know the 10:30 PM game really starts at 11:15 and inevitably you’ll end up looking like George Costanza rocking a nap under the desk tomorrow morning.

4. The refs to find a happy medium between not wanting to be there and thinking they are officiating game 7 of the cup finals.

Beer League Hockey WantsWe’re going to complain about every hook, hack and off-side you do or don’t call all night because for a couple hours a night, we have the delusion that you are the sole reason our team isn’t undefeated. It’s not our diminishing skills that weren’t great to begin with, or the fact that we can barely skate up and down the rink twice without needing an oxygen tank. Until the final buzzer, we are going to be all over you and if you can take that in stride, we’ll be glad to toss you a couple beers, hang out and laugh in the parking lot later.

5. Hot showers at the rink.

Beer League Hockey WantsThis one is a no brainer. We’re going to shower when we get off the ice and hot water is great, post-game hypothermia isn’t. The only thing that should be cold after the game is the case of beer. Every beer-leaguer is accustomed to hearing “Water hot?” asked of the first teammate to turn on the showers. We don’t want to drive home smelling like a foot because we have to get in the same car in work clothes in 8 hours.

 

6. To leave the rink with the same number of teeth as we arrived with.

Beer League Hockey WantsYes, I’m wearing a visor. No, it’s not an invite to catch me in the chicklets with your stick. You wear a full cage? Great, I’m not going to chirp you unless you start waving your stick around my ears like you’re the long lost musketeer. You have that cage on and I don’t, keep your stick down champ. It might only be 2-minutes for you but it’s a long trip to the dentist for me tomorrow.

7. For that one guy on the opposing team to bring it back a notch.

Beer League Hockey WantsHey practice hero, it’s a B- level beer league. Phil Pritchard and the cup are not in the building; Pierre is not between the glass. You don’t need to hack my wrist off on my follow-through, relax on finishing that check in the corner and no scout is taking notes of your awesome back-check. We all have to work in the morning and not limping around the office is the goal.

8. The guy on the other team wearing #69 to just stop.

Beer League Hockey WantsWe all remember when #69 was hilarious a joke as any, we were 7. Pick a real number and move on.

9. Both goalies to show up.

Beer League Hockey WantsContrary to popular belief, the other team’s goalie not showing is almost as frustrating our own goalie not showing. Yeah, we’ll probably (god I hope) win the game. But it’s boring as hell. You look like a jerk for shooting it into the net and a jerk for holding off.

10. To be on the team with the sweet uniforms.

Beer League Hockey WantsEvery league has one team that spent $500 per guy on uniforms and they look like an NHL team walking out of the room. Matching jerseys, socks, gloves, helmets and pants. They’ve been playing together forever, it’s the same guys every season and you hate them mostly out of jealousy.

11. All 5 guys on your team to attempt to play defense.

Beer League Hockey Wants None of us are Nick Lidstrom, but if I look up from the corner I’d love to see all 5 guys within driving distance of our defensive zone. If I get the puck and look up to see you wildly waving your stick at me from the far blue, you probably aren’t getting the puck and it’s out of spite.

12. Everyone to show up sober.

Beer League Hockey Wants

Boys, there are plenty of beers waiting AFTER the game.

13. The captain of the team to calm down.

Beer League Hockey WantsYeah, we all want to win. I don’t need to get screamed at for not being on the boards on the break-out or half-assing it on the backcheck. The goalie looked like he had it under control anyway. Just because you filled out the team’s online registration form doesn’t make you de-facto coach/GM.

14. To make it through a game with all sticks intact.

Beer League Hockey WantsThese aren’t you’re grandfather’s Christian wood sticks. Do they improve my game? Probably not, but I ponied up the $260 a piece for them so if you slash it in half, I’m going to be more pissed than if you slashed my leg in half, there’s no medical coverage for composite sticks.

15. To laugh at the guy with the tinted half shield.

Beer League Hockey WantsHey Ovi, is the NHL lighting in the municipal arena getting to your eyes? The only thing more embarrassing than the halfy is the toe drag you’ve tried to pull and failed at the last 9 consecutive shifts. If you spent as much time practicing that move as you do staring at your reflection in the glass, you’d have perfected it by now.

 

 

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  • SuperG

    Good stuff.

    The only one is disagree with is #6. You don’t want to lose teeth? Wear a cage. Even without people waving their sticks around accidents will still happen.

    • EddieValiant

      Yeah, or just keep your fucking stick down.

      • kevintaylor77

        an no “f’n” shots above the knees too? and no deflections allowed?

        • partyonwayne

          and none of that stinkin root beer!

      • Greg Ingalls

        If you don’t wear a cage, you don’t get to bitch. There is a manliness about not wearing a cage. If you’re the baby crying in the corner about a stick, I’m gonna light you up so hard that you ain’t comin back next season…bitch

        • 802puck

          threating to light people up in beer league just shows the class, sweet bathroom mirror selfie brooooo keep your fucking stick down or ill shoot for the back of your knees

        • Bones

          Greg is an idiot. Oh wait, I don’t need to tell anyone that. He did with his post.

        • Blair Lystang-Courchene

          Greg… You’re #8, and #15. I guarantee it. You think you are the biggest beauty to ever play hockey.

        • JoeRay

          says the tough guy in the bird cage with his chin-strap so tight you can play guitar on it

        • SwagStopper29

          ^^^12 years old.

        • King Aurthur

          See #7

  • Guest

    No coming down 1 on 1 on a defensemen and using him as a screen as you rip a slapshot!!

    • http://www.fark.com/ Onan

      Uh, that’s my only move…

      /But I still can’t rip a slapshot so…

  • Carlos Silva

    That’s a great list. Here’s another beer league worthy video to accompany this list… https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=6KoaMBvw9q8

  • http://www.beerstreak.com Beerstreak

    What about “having enough guys to not have to forfeit”? That’s why I built Beerstreak.com. Takes away the work involved in keeping your team organized.

    • http://www.benchapp.com/ BenchApp

      Woah, this is an old comment. The site is actually called BenchApp.com now!

  • ryan rai

    I agree we all have to work in the morning so dont be idiots but it is still hockey and you are still going to to get bumped and knocked off the puck and who ever said no deflections your an idiot. Its hockey and part of the game. Its not dance class out there. Every time you hit the ice your taking the chance of getting a puck in the teeth, If your that worried about it then make sure you wear full gear and a cage or dont show up at all. I have played competitive hockey for 10 years and beer league the last 4 years. I dont even wear a visor, cage or shoulder pads.

    • Alan Shepherd

      What about the foil; do you wear the foil?

  • JoeRay

    16. ice for the beer that’s not spit infected Zamboni snow
    17. a spot in the room not in the shower puddle

  • Jacksass

    As a goalie I would like to add one. Playing to the whistle is a bullS$%t excuse… If it is in my glove, you cannot see it. The whistle is coming. Do not hit/tap/slash my glove. If you cannot see it then you are intentionally hitting my hand.

    • Jason Shaw

      As a goalie, I second that!

    • PurpleReign

      As a ref, I always call slashing on players who slash the goalie in the glove once it’s covered up. It’s an undisciplined penalty that starts fights, hurts goalies and pisses teams off. Also as a defenseman, any offensive player who touches my goalie after a whistle, gets dealt with, whether or not the ref has a call.

  • Mara Houck

    Get rid of #2, which is lazy and sexist because women play beer league too, and #6, because only an idiot blames other people for his refusal to wear a full cage, and then this list is pretty spot on.

    • King Aurthur

      Yes, get rid of #2. Let’s also throw out #1 and #3-15, because there might be 1% of beer leaguers to whom these don’t apply, too.

  • bill sharman

    Wear a cage and stop worrying about the other idiots and what they are doing with their stick.

  • Jenn

    Given I play, I get that time stops once entering the rink. Heck, my husband is the one that had to learn it. Yeah, boys, chicks play too.

  • kroop

    Don’t know about you but the sticks today seems to last forever. And 69 is still hilarious, don’t try to push that stupid Don Cherry “honor” shit into the beer leagues!

  • http://www.greendkc.com Lutzie

    Unfortunately he missed #16. You need one guy organized enough to organize the post game BBQ and tailgate. Brats and beers in the lot are the only reason to leave the locker room any earlier. Everyone throws in some bucks and we rotate who brings stuff. We might only get 7 months a year in Kansas City to do this but everyone loves it. Give it a try.